Do you ever feel this way??? Let me explain. (warning: whiny introspection ahead!)
I feel like I am spinning my wheels with life right now. In all aspects. I say this because I am neither going backward or forward in making progress, hense the reference to staying in one spot.
I work two jobs that I like, but don't know if I will be in either one of them a year from now. So I have made strides to being able to make ends meet on my own, but am just barely hanging on, and I'm not sure how long it will last. I say 'like' because I'm still not sure what my true 'calling' is in life and I don't want to wait until I am 50 to find it. But I don't have the money to try other paths and pursue other things. Hense spinning my wheels.
I love where I live, my amazing apartment, being on my own. I don't really have any desire to move out of Michigan (despite our horrible winters,) however, I have never "gone away" so how do I really know what is out there that I could be missing? I love living in such a close proximity to my parents, but at the same time I fear that I am too reliant on them still, post-college for emotional and physical support. I wonder about just picking up and moving across the county for a year, just to prove to myself that I could do it. But once again, I feel like I don't have to balls or money to make that kind of decision. Hense spinning my wheels.
I've accomplished alot in one year. Many things that I am proud of, and mentioned in previous posts. Boston, my first ultra, a truckload of half marathons, and 2 additional marathons. However, I'm getting slower, there is no denying it. I'm not sure if it's my training or my fueling or my body or what but looking at my 3:18 from a year and a half ago and my 3:41 a couple of weeks is depressing. So although I am proud of aspects of my running, I am frustrated at myself for not getting better. Sad. Reevaluating, as I mentioned. Hense spinning my wheels.
Progress. A work in progress I suppose. I'm trying to learn what works for me in so many areas, trying to find balance. But I feel like its always 2 steps forward and 2 steps back. I do good, I do bad. I beat myself up, I start over. Again, and again. I guess this one is alittle more personal so I'm not really going into details, but it's tough. I just want everything to start clicking, falling into place. Instead, I'm spinning my wheels.
I need to move forward, I WANT to move forward. I'm just not always sure how. One of my biggest things in life is living with no regrets, but I feel like I am letting time slip away which is regrettable in itself. Maybe I'm just in a funk. Maybe it's because I'm headed into my 23rd Michigan winter which I hate. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Life rolls on. We shall see what happens...