Sunday, December 13, 2009

Spinning my wheels

Do you ever feel this way???  Let me explain. (warning: whiny introspection ahead!)

I feel like I am spinning my wheels with life right now.  In all aspects.  I say this because I am neither going backward or forward in making progress, hense the reference to staying in one spot. 

I work two jobs that I like, but don't know if I will be in either one of them a year from now.  So I have made strides to being able to make ends meet on my own, but am just barely hanging on, and I'm not sure how long it will last.  I say 'like' because I'm still not sure what my true 'calling' is in life and I don't want to wait until I am 50 to find it.  But I don't have the money to try other paths and pursue other things.  Hense spinning my wheels.

I love where I live, my amazing apartment, being on my own.  I don't really have any desire to move out of Michigan (despite our horrible winters,) however, I have never "gone away" so how do I really know what is out there that I could be missing?  I love living in such a close proximity to my parents, but at the same time I fear that I am too reliant on them still, post-college for emotional and physical support.  I wonder about just picking up and moving across the county for a year, just to prove to myself that I could do it.  But once again, I feel like I don't have to balls or money to make that kind of decision.  Hense spinning my wheels.

I've accomplished alot in one year.  Many things that I am proud of, and mentioned in previous posts.  Boston, my first ultra, a truckload of half marathons, and 2 additional marathons.  However, I'm getting slower, there is no denying it.  I'm not sure if it's my training or my fueling or my body or what but looking at my 3:18 from a year and a half ago and my 3:41 a couple of weeks is depressing.  So although I am proud of aspects of my running, I am frustrated at myself for not getting better.  Sad.  Reevaluating, as I mentioned.  Hense spinning my wheels.

Progress.  A work in progress I suppose.  I'm trying to learn what works for me in so many areas, trying to find balance.  But I feel like its always 2 steps forward and 2 steps back.  I do good, I do bad.  I beat myself up, I start over.  Again, and again.  I guess this one is alittle more personal so I'm not really going into details, but it's tough.  I just want everything to start clicking, falling into place.  Instead, I'm spinning my wheels.

I need to move forward, I WANT to move forward.  I'm just not always sure how.  One of my biggest things in life is living with no regrets, but I feel like I am letting time slip away which is regrettable in itself.  Maybe I'm just in a funk.  Maybe it's because I'm headed into my 23rd Michigan winter which I hate.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.  Life rolls on.  We shall see what happens...


  1. i definitely feel the same way sometimes. i think that i just need one big huge change in my life. but i don't know where to begin with making that happen!

    obv easier said than done but don't fret. things will happen and maybe it does take you moving across the country or something equally scary. but just trust that life has a funny way of working out even if you can't see it :)

  2. You sound just like me - wanting to do so much and yet not having the money to do it...or question "the balls" know what i mean cause you pretty much said it...but i'm learning that we need to accept our current situations - BUT that doesn't mean settling for it - in fact - just the oppostie. It frees up energy to allow you to move forward and take actions (no matter how small) to acheiving what you want. I write about it in my posts related. I know you'll say "no way"...but have you ever thought about yoga - or at least reading up on some of the teachings? it talks about alot of stuff like this , being a "seeker" and not sure where you are in life and being unhappy. That's me to a tee :(. Chin up girl.