Dedication vs. Obsession

What!?!  A mid-week post from me?!?!  You can tell I'm not at my normal Wednesday night workout.  Which brings me to the topic of this post.....

So here is something that has been on my mind for awhile, and has recently come to the forefront of my mind during the last few days as I have struggled through working out while sick.  Here goes.....

The thing is, I think of myself as a dedicated person.  Dedicated to doing my jobs well, making money, creating a life for myself a few years out of college, and of course, dedicated to my running.  I also would describe myself as a bit OCD on lots of levels- nothing crazy, but I'm a neat-freak, list maker, and most of all, very OCD about my running/training.  When I see it all mapped out on paper for the week, I have it in my mind to get it done.  I always allow for flexibility in case something comes up at work, or I switch runs to run with a friend, but in the end the training will get done.

With that said, I mentioned how I had been feeling a bit under-the-weather since Saturday morning.  I got through my short run then, survived my LR on Sunday, but things just weren't getting better.  I got up at 3am to run before work on Monday, only to come home after work and crash hard, not getting to my Monday night Core Class.  I tried to 'get-ahead' on miles yesterday, by running 13 miles on the treadmill and taking a cycle class.  To me, this is part of push-through-it, suck-it-up, sometimes-training-is-hard, dedication.  However, in between all of this, I felt terrible.  I've been sleeping pretty much every second I'm not at work or working out, and my throat feels completely closed up.  I was looking forward to today most of all because since I didn't have to work, I planned to do my long workout on the treadmill, a swim, and then my night Core/Cycle class.  In my head, it was going to be the perfect day.  However, my body had other plans.  I woke up feeling worse than ever, and finally made a doctors appointment for tomorrow after work.  I decided the dry air of the gym wasn't doing my throat any favors, so I took my run outside.  Thankfully, my Garmin had no batteries because my splits on my 6 mile run were so terrible.  And the swim post-run wasn't any better. 

But, it occurred to me during today's run that I was crossing the line right then.  The line from being "dedicated" in my training, to being "obsessive" about my training.  Probably the reason I'm not getting better is because I'm not taking the time to rest.  I get so hung up on getting it all in nomatter what because I don't want any regrets when I hit that starting line.  If I run a bad marathon, I don't ever want it to be because I didn't work hard enough in preparation.  But I'm so afraid of those feelings of self-doubt and regret, that they are driving me to an unhealthy place right now.  As my mom so "mom-ish-ly" put it on the phone to me earlier- "Nothing you are going to do today is going to effect how you run a marathon 3 months from now."  And I know she is right.  Training is consistancy over the long-haul.  But I get so caught up in the day-to-day sometimes that it is hard to see that.  And I'm so excited about where I'm at training wise at this point, I hate to lose it all. 

I don't want this post to come off as all self-centered-ish and poor-me or anything.  I just know there are lots of runners out there who are like this and I think we have to get real with ourselves sometimes.  I'm not a bad person or a bad runner because I 'only' got in a short run and swim today.  Today alone will not make me more or less prepared in Newport, Oregon on June 4th.  But today I did realize that I need to be honest with myself and where my actions are rooted.  There are only two emotions:  Love and Fear.

Hopefully this didn't come off totally crazy/random!  I hope you are all having great weeks- take THE BEST care of yourself!